But it ebbs and flows for us. I was 22 when I had my first baby, right after I had been radicalized by Alicia Silverstone's The Kind Diet and my sister-in-law's orthorexia. Everything I've read tells me that pregnancy/childbirth is a particularly vulnerable time (especially to get taken in by some scammy MLM selling vitamins or paraben-free lotions or something) because what we want, above all, is health and the best things for our kids -- how could we not, when we're young and suddenly trusted with this tiny helpless bean, fully reliant on our good judgement and instinct to keep it alive and well? I, too, learned the things and fermented the foods and tried to make myself something or other in a linen apron. I thought if I could just do it 'right' (read: perfect) I would finally be worthy of being their mother. By 26-27, I was neck-deep in my own full-blown orthorexic version that mostly included expensive cacao and lots of fancy butter and organic zucchini I was growing myself (and no carbs lol), and then sometime after the second was born, we were so broke we were relying on the local Indian Center food pantry and fed seemed better than perfect, I re-learned the joys of a Mexican coke after an afternoon in the garden while on food stamps, I started to eat white rice again and rely on Red Star yeast and say 'yes' every once in a while when the kids asked for package snacks without the balking when I looked at the ingredients list. Is there still a jar of kraut and two of lactofermented carrots doing their micro-biotic thing on my counter right now? Yes, but a foot in both worlds continues to do a better job for us. They joke about '2018 mommy' and I feel like I can laugh, too. Turns out a sane mom is better than a perfect mom, and we do what works when it works and only if it works.
I’m so glad you’re finding balance in the day-to-day, it feels like a never ending process, doesn’t it? Thanks for sharing your story, and solidarity as we all try to figure out what works 💛
Funny how our lives are so different yet what you say resonates so well. The sheer volume of knowledge I’m trying to cram in my brain to be the person I want to be is overwhelming. And the compromises we have to make while figuring it out- even noticing that a compromise is a good idea can be hard to get across to myself. Like, “your kids are driving you up the wall you can’t get dinner on to save your life let alone feed your family… did it occur to you that you could put on a movie for them?” …. Homecooked meal, movie, sane-ish mom. Duh.
Kombucha is delicious, so is real sauerkraut, but if the kids will eat lunchables power to you and buy the damn coke if you want it! (You’ll know when you don’t anymore because it’ll taste gross - seriously, those of us who pass it up? We aren’t using willpower. Our bodies now reject it. Waayyyy easier.)
Yes!! I’ve had that exact same dinner scenario happen before! Haha.
And you’re right! “The sheer volume of knowledge I’m trying to cram into my brain to be the person I want to be is overwhelming.” I don’t know if I’ve related to a sentence more 😅
As with everything, balance is so important, and setting the example of food being just a thing, not a huge statement of How We Are Better Than Everybody Else. I grew up with a mom who never bought anything “fun” except ice cream. In the middle of the era of Wonder Bread, peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches and a Twinkie being the standard issue grade school packed lunch, she made us venison sausage and cheddar sandwiches on homemade whole wheat bread. It was mortifying. Looking back now, I’m grateful for the way we ate and for learning skills like baking, cooking, canning, etc. but honestly there was a lot of virtue signaling going on there too. I had a really unhealthy relationship with junk food, fast food, etc. for most of my adult life. I was WAY more relaxed about letting kids have the occasional junky treat than my parents were.
It took a prescription for a GLP-1 for me to realize just how much our food choices are made at a level in the brain that is so far below our control. It is kind of creepy actually—I had always dismissed the idea that ‘big food” was engineering processed foods to snare people into eating more and more and going for the snacks vs. the celery, but clearly there is SOMETHING going on once you are on a medication than hands your food planning and choices over to your rational brain.
Thanks for sharing, Jenn! And you’re absolutely right, it’s easy to slip into outward virtue signaling vs. doing what’s best for our individual families. It’s hard to sort it out.
I don’t know much about GLP-1s, that’s a really interesting perspective! I’m glad it’s been helpful for you! 💛
Change is really freaking hard--and like Michelle said, the habits I'm trying to drop are different from yours, but I can empathize so much with the vibe. My husband and I haven't tried too hard on convenience food or high-level DIY yet, but we parent wildly differently than our parents did, and even when we truly believe it's the right thing for our family, recommitting to that every damn day is HARD. I grew up in an upwardly mobile "aspirational culture" household (take advantage of every opportunity, always be looking for the next step up the credential/financial ladder, maximize your potential!) and accepting that my entirely-disabled family not only can't do that but needs to do way less than what's "normal" in our peer group is a daily work in progress.
I remember reading an article in an issue of Taproot Magazine (do you know Taproot Magazine? it seems like your vibe) that blew my mind. It was someone a little older than us (I'm assuming you're also in your 30s/40s) who had kept chickens for many years and then one day just--stopped. Decided you know what, this served us really well in this stage of our life and now it doesn't anymore so we're going to do something else.
Some habits are meant to be changed and fixed in their new position; others work for a while and then shift into something new again. My little autistic "but-this-is-the-way-things-are-done" brain just about exploded.
But I also know there's truth in that, too. <3
I always love your writing and use a lot of your tips (I was one of the eager estate sale readers!). Thank you for all you do!
Oh man the chicken comment. I too commit to things for life and it didn’t occur to me until recently (like a year or two ago) that you could raise chickens for a bit then move on when it doesn’t suit you anymore. My mom had chickens for over 30 years. That’s not actually the only way to do it? Say what?
And you’re right, it’s always so hard figuring out what changes are for life and which are for a season, especially when taking into account our families unique circumstances. Solidarity as we all try to figure it out the best we can 💛
(I loved Taproot! I have a bunch of back issues a friend gave me 💛)
I feel so much of this. The particulars are different — the thought of purchasing a Diet Coke from the checkout lane gives me a small heart attack —but I have or used to have similar things. My parents were poor during my early childhood and that leaves a mark that will never come out.
It’s always fascinating to me how the details are different, but the sentiment behind it can be similar. Overriding the things we grew up with as “normal” that no longer align with our values is a never ending process, it seems. Thanks for sharing, Michelle! 💛
"If you know better you do better" is great -- and I'm all for it. But some of us are research hounds who accumulate way too much information too quickly and then feel bad for not being able to implement it all immediately, ha! I'm having to keep reminding myself that I'm just one person, and I'm going to have to rotate things, or choose an area of focus. Garden is starting to be super hot, so it's going to have to give and I'll try to get our homeschool year figured out...
When I was first dabbling with the healing diet world (which is a whole *other* can of worms and such a love/hate relationship) I encountered some really militant FB groups, and so many of them the answer if the "healing diet" wasn't working was to just try harder and do it better. The amount of suggestions these people would give you, and act like it was totally feasible to do -- we saw one GAPS practictioner and I walked out being like, cool, that advice might work for someone, but I will go home and cry, because I cannot.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that theres a very fine line between learning more and hitting a point where you cannot possibly take any more actionable steps with the information you already have! And it's a tricky balance to maintain. And then also, what are you doing all of this *for*. What is the end goal? And does that really matter to you? I've had friends be surprised that I feed kids x, y, z because I'm so this, that, etc... but the reality is that we try to eat the things that don't make us sick.
As long as you are doing your best, it is good enough. I remember with my first pregnancy, I was hardcore about no caffeine, no lunch meats, no meds except a rare Tylenol, etc. Pregnancy no 2 I had that PEP rash, aka the rash from hell. It was either take a Benadryl every night or don’t sleep until giving birth.
I took the Benadryl. Kid is fine. I’m fine. Good enough.
I really love your writing, your voice, your stories. Honestly your life feels really aspirational to me - like you'd be the friend on the beach I'd be afraid of showing the Lunchables I'd packed. I'll never butcher a chicken or ferment my own food. I want to but I think it's just not in the cards for me because I don't really want to. But the fantasy version of me does. So when I read your essays I have these sense of what-could-be-but-never-will-be - same as when I read about stylish women who raise their babies in Manhattan or take toddlers to vacation in Greece, you know? It just feels like a very far off fantasy lifestyle. But, man, that check out lane Coke - I don't know. Maybe that's all of us, actually.
It’s only now in my child free sixties that I come close to that ideal. When my kids were little and I worked full time we took the easy option just because I had no strength for anything else. I drew the line at coke and bubblegum but they had lunchables, and upfs galore. Now I make sourdough and soda bread for me and my husband, we grow veg and fruit and shop for fresh produce not ready meals. There is sauerkraut in my fridge and kefir or yoghurt. You are doing so much better than I did - there always has to be a balance between “best” and “manageable “
Sometimes I get frustrated because the reality of living in town and in university housing is that I cannot have the garden or the chickens or the outdoor spaces that I wish them that I had, and that I wish that my kids had. That was my favorite part of growing up, being able to have all of the time in the world to be outdoors and in the woods and around animals. But even if I can’t give them that, I’m giving them a family life that is so much more stable, food that is more nourishing (sometimes) and a framework with which they can approach spirituality or religion, not from a position of trauma. For now, those are the changes that have to be enough. Who knows what it’ll be 10 years from now
Enjoying all of this. Same journey here, mother from Georgia although she raised her kids in Alaska (with lots of Diet Coke).
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could go into a store laid out with all freshies and fermented stuff priced half of the processed stuff, right at the front, and we could get what we needed without ever seeing that Diet Coke? (or Twinkie, or Lunchable…) Might help to cut the 70,000 things down to 20,000! I long for the day.
Just this morning I was drinking a delicious Diet Coke and my 8 month old was staring at me and I realized I maybe want to stop so she’s not falling in love wjth Diet Coke from stealing sips of mine, like I did from my mother… but then again, is there anything more refreshing?
I love this so much because I feel like it’s very similar situation for me. I feel like I was reading something that I could’ve written, but I wanted to add really quickly that there is a better Coke at Walmart I found some for my husband. It comes in a glass Coke bottle as a pack of 4. It’s a little more expensive but like not by much and if you’re just having it as a treat now and then it’s not too bad and it’s the Mexican made Coke and it’s made with real sugar instead of all the other crap.
Girl same.
But it ebbs and flows for us. I was 22 when I had my first baby, right after I had been radicalized by Alicia Silverstone's The Kind Diet and my sister-in-law's orthorexia. Everything I've read tells me that pregnancy/childbirth is a particularly vulnerable time (especially to get taken in by some scammy MLM selling vitamins or paraben-free lotions or something) because what we want, above all, is health and the best things for our kids -- how could we not, when we're young and suddenly trusted with this tiny helpless bean, fully reliant on our good judgement and instinct to keep it alive and well? I, too, learned the things and fermented the foods and tried to make myself something or other in a linen apron. I thought if I could just do it 'right' (read: perfect) I would finally be worthy of being their mother. By 26-27, I was neck-deep in my own full-blown orthorexic version that mostly included expensive cacao and lots of fancy butter and organic zucchini I was growing myself (and no carbs lol), and then sometime after the second was born, we were so broke we were relying on the local Indian Center food pantry and fed seemed better than perfect, I re-learned the joys of a Mexican coke after an afternoon in the garden while on food stamps, I started to eat white rice again and rely on Red Star yeast and say 'yes' every once in a while when the kids asked for package snacks without the balking when I looked at the ingredients list. Is there still a jar of kraut and two of lactofermented carrots doing their micro-biotic thing on my counter right now? Yes, but a foot in both worlds continues to do a better job for us. They joke about '2018 mommy' and I feel like I can laugh, too. Turns out a sane mom is better than a perfect mom, and we do what works when it works and only if it works.
Yes!!! That last line is everything.
I’m so glad you’re finding balance in the day-to-day, it feels like a never ending process, doesn’t it? Thanks for sharing your story, and solidarity as we all try to figure out what works 💛
Funny how our lives are so different yet what you say resonates so well. The sheer volume of knowledge I’m trying to cram in my brain to be the person I want to be is overwhelming. And the compromises we have to make while figuring it out- even noticing that a compromise is a good idea can be hard to get across to myself. Like, “your kids are driving you up the wall you can’t get dinner on to save your life let alone feed your family… did it occur to you that you could put on a movie for them?” …. Homecooked meal, movie, sane-ish mom. Duh.
Kombucha is delicious, so is real sauerkraut, but if the kids will eat lunchables power to you and buy the damn coke if you want it! (You’ll know when you don’t anymore because it’ll taste gross - seriously, those of us who pass it up? We aren’t using willpower. Our bodies now reject it. Waayyyy easier.)
Yes!! I’ve had that exact same dinner scenario happen before! Haha.
And you’re right! “The sheer volume of knowledge I’m trying to cram into my brain to be the person I want to be is overwhelming.” I don’t know if I’ve related to a sentence more 😅
As with everything, balance is so important, and setting the example of food being just a thing, not a huge statement of How We Are Better Than Everybody Else. I grew up with a mom who never bought anything “fun” except ice cream. In the middle of the era of Wonder Bread, peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches and a Twinkie being the standard issue grade school packed lunch, she made us venison sausage and cheddar sandwiches on homemade whole wheat bread. It was mortifying. Looking back now, I’m grateful for the way we ate and for learning skills like baking, cooking, canning, etc. but honestly there was a lot of virtue signaling going on there too. I had a really unhealthy relationship with junk food, fast food, etc. for most of my adult life. I was WAY more relaxed about letting kids have the occasional junky treat than my parents were.
It took a prescription for a GLP-1 for me to realize just how much our food choices are made at a level in the brain that is so far below our control. It is kind of creepy actually—I had always dismissed the idea that ‘big food” was engineering processed foods to snare people into eating more and more and going for the snacks vs. the celery, but clearly there is SOMETHING going on once you are on a medication than hands your food planning and choices over to your rational brain.
Thanks for sharing, Jenn! And you’re absolutely right, it’s easy to slip into outward virtue signaling vs. doing what’s best for our individual families. It’s hard to sort it out.
I don’t know much about GLP-1s, that’s a really interesting perspective! I’m glad it’s been helpful for you! 💛
They were originally for diabetes, but they are turning out to be a kind of Swiss Army knife of drug treatments.
Change is really freaking hard--and like Michelle said, the habits I'm trying to drop are different from yours, but I can empathize so much with the vibe. My husband and I haven't tried too hard on convenience food or high-level DIY yet, but we parent wildly differently than our parents did, and even when we truly believe it's the right thing for our family, recommitting to that every damn day is HARD. I grew up in an upwardly mobile "aspirational culture" household (take advantage of every opportunity, always be looking for the next step up the credential/financial ladder, maximize your potential!) and accepting that my entirely-disabled family not only can't do that but needs to do way less than what's "normal" in our peer group is a daily work in progress.
I remember reading an article in an issue of Taproot Magazine (do you know Taproot Magazine? it seems like your vibe) that blew my mind. It was someone a little older than us (I'm assuming you're also in your 30s/40s) who had kept chickens for many years and then one day just--stopped. Decided you know what, this served us really well in this stage of our life and now it doesn't anymore so we're going to do something else.
Some habits are meant to be changed and fixed in their new position; others work for a while and then shift into something new again. My little autistic "but-this-is-the-way-things-are-done" brain just about exploded.
But I also know there's truth in that, too. <3
I always love your writing and use a lot of your tips (I was one of the eager estate sale readers!). Thank you for all you do!
Oh man the chicken comment. I too commit to things for life and it didn’t occur to me until recently (like a year or two ago) that you could raise chickens for a bit then move on when it doesn’t suit you anymore. My mom had chickens for over 30 years. That’s not actually the only way to do it? Say what?
Thank you so much, Hannah!
And you’re right, it’s always so hard figuring out what changes are for life and which are for a season, especially when taking into account our families unique circumstances. Solidarity as we all try to figure it out the best we can 💛
(I loved Taproot! I have a bunch of back issues a friend gave me 💛)
I feel so much of this. The particulars are different — the thought of purchasing a Diet Coke from the checkout lane gives me a small heart attack —but I have or used to have similar things. My parents were poor during my early childhood and that leaves a mark that will never come out.
It’s always fascinating to me how the details are different, but the sentiment behind it can be similar. Overriding the things we grew up with as “normal” that no longer align with our values is a never ending process, it seems. Thanks for sharing, Michelle! 💛
"If you know better you do better" is great -- and I'm all for it. But some of us are research hounds who accumulate way too much information too quickly and then feel bad for not being able to implement it all immediately, ha! I'm having to keep reminding myself that I'm just one person, and I'm going to have to rotate things, or choose an area of focus. Garden is starting to be super hot, so it's going to have to give and I'll try to get our homeschool year figured out...
When I was first dabbling with the healing diet world (which is a whole *other* can of worms and such a love/hate relationship) I encountered some really militant FB groups, and so many of them the answer if the "healing diet" wasn't working was to just try harder and do it better. The amount of suggestions these people would give you, and act like it was totally feasible to do -- we saw one GAPS practictioner and I walked out being like, cool, that advice might work for someone, but I will go home and cry, because I cannot.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that theres a very fine line between learning more and hitting a point where you cannot possibly take any more actionable steps with the information you already have! And it's a tricky balance to maintain. And then also, what are you doing all of this *for*. What is the end goal? And does that really matter to you? I've had friends be surprised that I feed kids x, y, z because I'm so this, that, etc... but the reality is that we try to eat the things that don't make us sick.
As long as you are doing your best, it is good enough. I remember with my first pregnancy, I was hardcore about no caffeine, no lunch meats, no meds except a rare Tylenol, etc. Pregnancy no 2 I had that PEP rash, aka the rash from hell. It was either take a Benadryl every night or don’t sleep until giving birth.
I took the Benadryl. Kid is fine. I’m fine. Good enough.
I really love your writing, your voice, your stories. Honestly your life feels really aspirational to me - like you'd be the friend on the beach I'd be afraid of showing the Lunchables I'd packed. I'll never butcher a chicken or ferment my own food. I want to but I think it's just not in the cards for me because I don't really want to. But the fantasy version of me does. So when I read your essays I have these sense of what-could-be-but-never-will-be - same as when I read about stylish women who raise their babies in Manhattan or take toddlers to vacation in Greece, you know? It just feels like a very far off fantasy lifestyle. But, man, that check out lane Coke - I don't know. Maybe that's all of us, actually.
It’s only now in my child free sixties that I come close to that ideal. When my kids were little and I worked full time we took the easy option just because I had no strength for anything else. I drew the line at coke and bubblegum but they had lunchables, and upfs galore. Now I make sourdough and soda bread for me and my husband, we grow veg and fruit and shop for fresh produce not ready meals. There is sauerkraut in my fridge and kefir or yoghurt. You are doing so much better than I did - there always has to be a balance between “best” and “manageable “
Sometimes I get frustrated because the reality of living in town and in university housing is that I cannot have the garden or the chickens or the outdoor spaces that I wish them that I had, and that I wish that my kids had. That was my favorite part of growing up, being able to have all of the time in the world to be outdoors and in the woods and around animals. But even if I can’t give them that, I’m giving them a family life that is so much more stable, food that is more nourishing (sometimes) and a framework with which they can approach spirituality or religion, not from a position of trauma. For now, those are the changes that have to be enough. Who knows what it’ll be 10 years from now
Enjoying all of this. Same journey here, mother from Georgia although she raised her kids in Alaska (with lots of Diet Coke).
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could go into a store laid out with all freshies and fermented stuff priced half of the processed stuff, right at the front, and we could get what we needed without ever seeing that Diet Coke? (or Twinkie, or Lunchable…) Might help to cut the 70,000 things down to 20,000! I long for the day.
Just this morning I was drinking a delicious Diet Coke and my 8 month old was staring at me and I realized I maybe want to stop so she’s not falling in love wjth Diet Coke from stealing sips of mine, like I did from my mother… but then again, is there anything more refreshing?
In my rationale, Cheetos (crunchy jalepeno) fit nicely in the latter part of the 80/20 nutrition rule and peanut M&Ms fall under healthy snacks!
Ooph, I so appreciate this nuanced reminder. Thank you, Hannah.
I love this so much because I feel like it’s very similar situation for me. I feel like I was reading something that I could’ve written, but I wanted to add really quickly that there is a better Coke at Walmart I found some for my husband. It comes in a glass Coke bottle as a pack of 4. It’s a little more expensive but like not by much and if you’re just having it as a treat now and then it’s not too bad and it’s the Mexican made Coke and it’s made with real sugar instead of all the other crap.